Love

Good morning.  It's nearly 6AM.  I took a long nap earlier, and now, here I am.  I just stayed up and watched the Christmas episode of "Downton Abbey."  I am, officially, in love with that show. 

Everything in my life now seems very makeshift.  I look around my room now, which I have yet to really assemble and arrange since I moved in a few weeks ago.  I do not feel at home here exactly.  My heart has been in strange places recently.  It jots back to childhood happiness, when my mom and dad were together, and we laughed as a family.  We had a house, a home.  They were never a strong foundation for it, since their love was wrong.  They were wrong for each other.  I am burdened with worry for them both, that they won't allow themselves real happiness.  Or that they won't risk real happiness.

My heart stops off at each past relationship and tonight, finds the joy in it all.  I loved and love every girlfriend I've had.  With my last 3 year relationship, I'm feeling the loss and the joy now.  I know that it was wrong, but the fact that we shared love makes it hard.  Especially in those late-at-night, early-in-the-morning moments of stillness.  There was a beautiful love shared there.  There's a character in Downton Abbey, Matthew, who is entirely loved by his fiancee, and for that he is grateful, but doesn't truly share the same love.  I feel that way.  Yet sometimes, it's not so simple.  I miss her.  Someone else will grace my life, but I do still miss her.  I want, very much, for at the end of it all, to come together with all the women who hold a place in my heart.  Including my mom, my sisters.  They all mean so very very much to me.  I have gained a huge deal of wisdom from each of them, and feel undeserving of it.  That is why I cherish my relationship with Meagan, because I loved her, and she is still in my life, and there is no pain in that.

Yet, they are there, in my heart.  Christine, Meagan, Megan, Shayla, Kristie, Rachel.  There is bitterness, there is pain, but it doesn't change.  I am sad that I have had to let them go away.  It's the price for having loved them.  They wouldn't necessarily believe that I loved them truly, but I did.  I do.  Grateful.

I suppose the key is remaining grateful for what we did share, and letting that be enough.  I want, so much, to hug them, hold them, tell them they are loved, and that they will be happy, and that they are beautiful.  And for the pain and bitterness to vanish in the bright light of love.