Love

Good morning.  It's nearly 6AM.  I took a long nap earlier, and now, here I am.  I just stayed up and watched the Christmas episode of "Downton Abbey."  I am, officially, in love with that show. 

Everything in my life now seems very makeshift.  I look around my room now, which I have yet to really assemble and arrange since I moved in a few weeks ago.  I do not feel at home here exactly.  My heart has been in strange places recently.  It jots back to childhood happiness, when my mom and dad were together, and we laughed as a family.  We had a house, a home.  They were never a strong foundation for it, since their love was wrong.  They were wrong for each other.  I am burdened with worry for them both, that they won't allow themselves real happiness.  Or that they won't risk real happiness.

My heart stops off at each past relationship and tonight, finds the joy in it all.  I loved and love every girlfriend I've had.  With my last 3 year relationship, I'm feeling the loss and the joy now.  I know that it was wrong, but the fact that we shared love makes it hard.  Especially in those late-at-night, early-in-the-morning moments of stillness.  There was a beautiful love shared there.  There's a character in Downton Abbey, Matthew, who is entirely loved by his fiancee, and for that he is grateful, but doesn't truly share the same love.  I feel that way.  Yet sometimes, it's not so simple.  I miss her.  Someone else will grace my life, but I do still miss her.  I want, very much, for at the end of it all, to come together with all the women who hold a place in my heart.  Including my mom, my sisters.  They all mean so very very much to me.  I have gained a huge deal of wisdom from each of them, and feel undeserving of it.  That is why I cherish my relationship with Meagan, because I loved her, and she is still in my life, and there is no pain in that.

Yet, they are there, in my heart.  Christine, Meagan, Megan, Shayla, Kristie, Rachel.  There is bitterness, there is pain, but it doesn't change.  I am sad that I have had to let them go away.  It's the price for having loved them.  They wouldn't necessarily believe that I loved them truly, but I did.  I do.  Grateful.

I suppose the key is remaining grateful for what we did share, and letting that be enough.  I want, so much, to hug them, hold them, tell them they are loved, and that they will be happy, and that they are beautiful.  And for the pain and bitterness to vanish in the bright light of love.

Hi Life

I'm in an inspired state of mind, and guess what?  IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!  As of 3 hours ago, I'm 27.  Yes.  Yes I am.  Funny how I feel my age, as soon as I turn it.

That reawakening I was hoping for?  It's coming.  I'm thawing.  Life is being shaken up just a bit, in a good way.  The wheels are turning, and I feel suddenly tonight like I have something to say, something to give, something to share, something to love.  I have the ache of old love, the hope of new love, the need for more love, the trust in all love.  I saw a hip hop documentary tonight.  Lots of folks talking passionately about rapping.  Many of them found their bliss there.  It was so clear in their eyes, in their spirits.  My turn.  I want to speak with that fire about everything I do.  Time to create shit.  Get recognition.  Inspiration -> Confidence -> Fuck the haters -> Recognition -> Love.

Let's do it.  Do the thing. What's the thing?  Art.  Singing, performing, grabbing the mic, grabbing the guitar, grabbing the world, and shaking it.  Making my mark, leaving a scar.  Acting transcendently on stage.  Letting life course through my blood.  Another source of recent inspiration?  The guy who played captain hook in Peter and the Star Catcher.  He clearly works hard.  He's 38, and won a Tony, and is on a TV show.  His career's taking off, and he is keeping up the pace.  I saw him perform on a Tuesday night, and he was giving it every bit of himself.  He merged with the character.  He was not egoic.  Someone told me recently that she was a fan of a role she saw me in because of my commitment.  Despite awkward costumes, less-than-perfect set, she believed me.  She believed me!  That is all I want when I play a character.

Whew!  27.  Closer and closer to the man I'm becoming.