Come Alive

What up, 2018!(?) I've been pondering what makes me come alive, trying to steer myself in the direction of things that tend to light me up. This past year it's felt really fucking hard to identify the things that light me up. More frighteningly, it's felt easier to live a complacent lifestyle. I can feel my age for the first time. It FEELS like I'm not 22 anymore. I truly feel like I lost a few years there, that they slipped by somehow, without feeling significant. I think that just sort of happens as we get older, but also, FUCK that. I've been acting as if I've only got a few good years left on this earth. If that's true, and I haven't done that BIG FUCKING HUGE FANTASTICAL AMAZING THING, then I will have died a failure. Died a nobody. Died a person who was beloved by friends and family, and REALLY wanted to make special things.... but ultimately didn't.
ALL OF THAT is not true. My BRAIN nudges me toward that though, as a reality. It is bizarre and... well... it just IS. What it is. It is what it is. No reason to judge, I suppose, but WHY would my brain go there?? So, when I say I'm feeling my age, I mean, my body is less responsive. I go up stairs two-at-a-time like always and there's less spring in my step. It means I need to ACTIVELY do things to maintain my body. Stretch. Yoga. Weight lifting. Running.

Hugh Jackman is a hero of mine. Part of me knows I could be just like him. I could have his body. Not his EXACT body, but close. I don't gain weight. STUPID high metabolism. But if it became my focus, my body would allow me to push it. To gain muscle. To get bigger, stronger. More than that, I want FLEXIBILITY. And have not been working for it. Still want it. OK, I went off on a beautiful little tangent there.

Here are some things that light me up.

1. Musical Theater Moments. Musical Spectacle Moments. Music Video Moments. I watched "The Greatest Showman" twice, and I love sequences with sweeping camera, ensemble dancing, and a full-on presentation. It LIGHTS ME UP to witness a song come to a crescendo, coupled with visuals. Like when I was working on my "Dustbowl Dance" music video... the whole thing culminated in one slow motion walk across a drawbridge.

2. Hugs. Physical affection has been lacking for me, because there aren't as many people around whom it is appropriate. In college, everybody hugged each other. I hug family members. I hug friends I haven't seen for a while. In a dance class in high school, everyone hugged everyone after every class. Now I'm being told, that makes some people uncomfortable. Maybe. I crave it. Truly crave that connection. A good hug lifts me, tugs the burdens off my shoulders for a moment, and I want it to be less rare. It just fucking vanished somehow.

3. Shakespeare. It's still true, after all these years, that I love interpreting Shakespeare. It is FASCINATING to me to present TRUTH in seemingly archaic language. It's SUCH a worthy challenge to me. And I think that extends out into a vision of SHAKESPEARE done in ways that feel more and more accessible. Like, a Romeo and Juliet that takes place on a bus.

4. Intimate connection. Sharing myself with others, intimately. My fears, hopes, dreams. Talking to Matt on the phone when we've both got nowhere else to be. Holding Christina and just enjoying the energy between us. I've gotten wires crossed there... "is this someone I want to marry and be with forever??".... NO! No no no no no no no no no no no no no no. HOWEVER, this is someone I truly hope to be intimately connected to forever.

5. Listening to "The Greatest Showman." Listening to "Hamilton." There's a part of me that is IN that world, still & always.

6. Singing a gentle song, powerfully. Letting it shine through me.

7. Tig Nataro, Sarah Silverman, Dave Chapelle.... comedians working at the top of their game.

8. MYSTERIOUS podcasts. Worlds I can dive into by listening to stories about the people who live in them.

THERE YOU GO! There's a few. Fucking fuck everything else.