Kid Knew Wonder

I feel as though I've been chasing something with everything I do.  Some notion I saw clearly as a child.  Some spark of adventure.  I've been living my life trying to pin it down.  Tonight, I found a book that so completely captured my imagination as a kid called The Pagemaster.  A kid gets trapped in a library and goes on a magical adventure.  What is it about that story that drew me?  I picture vividly colored drawings, amazed characters.  I've been longing for the feeling I got when I was alone reading that adventure.  I distinctly remember sharing that story, gabbing non-stop to my friend's mom at his birthday party.  The book had been a gift for my friend, but really I think I just liked it.  In my head, if I liked something, everyone else would.

It really fired me up, like a lot of fantasy stuff.  Things that hit the wonder button in me.  Douglas Adams did that, The Cleric Quintet did that, Neverending Story kind of did that.  How does what I am and what I do now relate to that?  The Lord of the Rings stirs something deep inside me that is beyond just wonder and into a more adult profoundness.

Are the things that excited me as an imaginative kid just gone with those childhood years?  Am I not meant to experience that same wonder, joy, giddiness, laughter, adventure?

I first wanted to be a writer when I was a kid because the adventurous worlds inside of books was limitless.  I remember those signs in the school library - posters with worlds of adventure popping out of books before kids' eyes. I want to create that now.  I want to share that light.  My task then is to nail down what the fuck that is, and align my sights to following it.  I'm trying.  Everything I do has a bit of it.  But I feel that maybe I'm conforming to the actor life because it most closely fits that.  But I perhaps have yet to define my true bliss.  Follow your bliss.  If we all follow our bliss, we live our true purpose.  We live truth.

I must study this follow your bliss philosophy more.  Yet, in studying philosophy, I am always left with the feeling that it is interesting, but ultimately meaningless.  It is using the mind to understand that which is of the heart and soul.  The heart and soul are the guide.  All the answers are here, inside.

I am coming closer to my bliss I believe, but I can never forget to keep questing.  What was that thing that lit up my life so clearly as a kid, and why?  And how does that translate to life now?

All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.

So says the "Author's Blessing" at the beginning of Lamb by Christopher Moore.

I believe that applies to every piece of art.  There is value in every artistic endeavor.

We Become What We Believe.

A Better Life. A Richer Life.

Maybe it's off topic, but this Bikram yoga is creaking open some doors for me lately.  Bodily, I feel more capable of living.  Tonight while googling around, I found things about guided imagery.  I will pursue this more in depth in regards to my reflux.  Acid reflux settles on my throat, and I feel its effects, which scares me into not singing.  I then think, well, I am a singer.  I've always been a singer.  I love music and song, and using it to tell a story, and singing my heart out... I want to be able to do that always.  I've often become frustrated with my voice's limitations, and I found out recently that acid reflux is contributing to that.

Apparently, there exists a means of healing called Guided Imagery, in which you relax and picture the affliction going away in various ways.  I read the intro of a book recently that spoke about a man who was crippled in a hospital bed.  Every day, he had someone show him pictures of yoga poses, and he pictured himself doing them.  Months of that enabled him to eventually walk, and stand firm to where no one could push him over.  It seems like this is the same idea.  Guiding the body to fix itself, by using the power of the mind.  The mind is a powerful tool.  In conjunction with the body, amazing things are truly possible.  It doesn't seem too incredible to me really.  When you "put your mind to something," it becomes possible.  If that something is within your own body, it seems even more possible.  The body is wired to listen to the brain.

I must look into this more fully.

CoT: The mind and body can be partners, working together to heal.

A Way Back to Then

I am nostalgic for the beginning stages of my theater group.  I believe we had something there, and we got off track.  Not unforgivably so, but I am have lost sight of what is important.  It is so hard to steer a ship with this many crew members.  We started out with such bright vision, and now it feels bogged down in the details.  And in the pressure we have placed upon ourselves to produce an epic masterpiece.

I love these people.  I remain ever-positive and ever progressive toward our current project's completion.  Yet, our current project feels like it's missing the point of our existence.  It feels like a delusion of grandeur, that is encouraged.  And yet, my tongue, my brain, my heart is tied down.  If I speak out my opinions, however clear and completely valid I see them, they will not be well received.  I feel like I am living in fear, keeping my head down.  And we are all so wonderfully talented, we can pull this off, and have it be well received.  We can act the shit out of anything.  Yet we are hell-bent on producing something with a ton of bells whistles, songs, glitz, glamour.... but no heart.  No point.  It's too late for this project.  But my prayer is we stop settling for good, and produce something great.

Something great = something with soul = something we collectively come up with.

Yet, now that we are embarking on it, I will find great joy in working with my friends on something we all helped to create.  There is joy and sadness there.  And I pray I don't lose my mind.

This is an emotional roller coaster I am blessed to be on.

Slings and Arrows

Watching "Slings and Arrows" renews my soul!  Like my friend said, "If Slings and Arrows doesn't make you want to go out and immediately put on good Shakespeare, you are not an actor."

Finding the inner Chord of Truth.

I have recently become fascinated by blogs.  Here is mine.  I intend with this blog to show all truth I find in art.  Art is in books, stories, music, theater, poetry, TV, movies, anything.  Any art form. I am a performing artist in New York City, and all my life I have been obsessed with truth.  It has become clear to me in the past few years how all of my life I have valued truth.  I do not want a moment of my performance to be untruthful.  I went to school for music theater, and my voice teacher would constantly mention how I was different than most of his students.  I would hesitate to venture toward anything I found untruthful. 

What do I mean by truth?  There are several words for it.  Language serves as a tool of approximation for what something feels like.  When I am watching a play and there is a moment, however brief, that I feel touch a chord of truth inside me, I know definitively that that is a true moment.  It at once humbles, connects, and inspires me.  I feel connected to everyone else who is witnessing it with me, and pray that they feel the same.  I strive with my life, with my art, with my performance to never stray too far from that.

My mission: To rub away the bullshit, and get to the heart of truth and light inside me.  It is inside all of us.  Christians call it The Holy Ghost.  It is the spirit of God inside, that binds us all.  We all have it.  It is the spark of divinity.  Truth = God = Light = Soul.  I am not a strict Christian.  I think "God" is just another term for this thing we all possess.  We are all human, therefore we are all blessed with it.  I hereby vow to heed its call.

I will candidly post my thoughts and reactions to all aspects of life as an actor and artist in NYC.  I will keep it mostly anonymous, as the names and people are irrelevant.  It is all part of my personal quest for truth.

Thanks for joining me.  Let's let the light shine.

Tomorrow, I start Bikram Yoga.  Let's see what that brings.