OK FINE! God, I feel like screaming both exasperatedly and joyously. There's been so much bottled up energy inside of me, a fire kindled by a girl, and I want to let it all out. I want her to be the recipient, but ALAS, not yet. Not ever. Not ever like I expect it. My expectations will be shattered, I'll be shattered. That's what I predict. And YET, is that not expectation? I crave her, I want her. I want ease with her. Impossible, with this mindset. How fascinating and infuriating that it's come to this again. Thoughts of her consume me. Self pity for why am I not good enough. Not enough. For her. She cares for me, though. She wants me, to some degree. We mutually have a fantasy of togetherness, and that is a dangerous thing. Hope. Ah, hope. You torment. I want to manipulate the fates, I want to LOCK IT DOWN with her. Right now. I want to say, HEY! I want you with me. Please come to me. I want to fully bare my soul to you, and see if that intimacy can be shared between us. If not, fine. But at least we will KNOW! Does that trick ever work? There's a knowing in me that she's not the one. And she's actively burning lessons into me regardless. As they all have. I feel foolish for being so consumed. I feel closed-off from much of the rest of life because I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Imagining, fantasizing, praying. It's desperate. And I cannot unleash all of this onto her, it would drive her away. But, curiously, when we're engaged in one another, talking, sharing, this need in me goes away. Ease comes in, because I'm getting her attention. Is that the reason? Because I'm getting a piece of her inner self. She's showing me a piece of her inner self. And that's exactly what I want, and what I crave. It may only be given though, it cannot necessarily be requested. For her, a passing fancy. For me, a burning fantasy. Dangerous, each. Or not! There's this feeling that if I only knew. If I only knew what she thought, what she wanted from me, what she wants for herself, I'd be free. I don't think it's totally true. And I've been here before, wondering what "she" is thinking, and how to place myself into the "what she is thinking about" slot in her brain. Is there anything in her that wants to sort this out, like I do?
THAT is a good question. THAT seems a worthwhile question to ask. Is there anything in you that wants to see what there is between you and me? And how do we do that? We get to decide how. A plan, of sorts. Maybe. I want a week. Together in some cabin or some house. With our own lives to tend to, or not, but our main goal is feeling each other out. Nurturing, caressing the thing that's between us. Poking at it, coming together physically to get that out of the way, ease my obsession. Will it? Maybe, maybe not. It will, at least temporarily. And maybe that temporary space holds lessons that could sustain for longer. I'm tired of doing the math: Ok, she is listening to this song, so that means she might be feeling this, so I should text her something about this, so I should mention this, and I shouldn't mention this, or if I drink before I talk to her I can more honestly flow and not mind so much that she doesn't reflect back to me the energy I crave, as in the serious longing, the inquisitive flirtation, the want to nuzzle, nestle. I don't like trying to figure her out. It's not going to be possible.
If I let this go,
as I should
as I should.
Will it make me better?
Will it make me good?
My need for simplicity may soon eclipse my desire for fulfillment from her. My desire for intimacy from her. Logic: "She's just some girl, what's the big deal." Heart: "She's magic. She's fascinating. She's pretty." Dick: "Her skin, her curves, her smell." God, I'd love to squirm in this thrashing confusion WITH her instead of solo.
