I've felt trapped lately. I've felt stuck. I've felt not myself. I keep pinpointing things in my life I wish would change, so that I could be the full me. I started reading more Campbell, a book called "Pathways to Bliss." It's a collection of his writings and lectures, discussing using mythology to point us toward the transcendent. I keep having images of myself, with this fountain of Bliss inside to guide me, but what is it? It's not enough to say, "I wish to follow my bliss. I will quest for it." I haven't done any questing, really. Just thinking. Sometimes good, most times overwhelming. Most times, removing me from this world and into my mind. It gets me down. Off-center, is a good term Campbell uses.
How to re-center? Mythology is designed to lead us. However, in our society, we are taught to be individuals. Which is great, but it also reduces us to a lowest common denominator. The shows, commercials, ads on TV and everywhere make me mad sometimes, because they are telling me to react to something as if it's funny. Or as if it's clever. Like they're pulling a fast one on me, and I'll be brainwashed into buying something, or believing something.
I think we are all individual. Yet we, collectively, are all the same (humans with souls). If we individually follow our bliss, follow our hearts, be the best and only person we can be, we will simultaneously become a community. Actor friends of mine chase money, fame, recognition, love... but sometimes the key element is missing. The joy is missing. There is no flow, it's just them being a plug, trying to plug in to any socket that will fit. Trying to book any job that will come. Yet, the energy doesn't flow through once they're plugged in. It feels good, it feels comfortable, it feels right for a time, but it can't persist.
It's the same with relationships. I've felt good, I've felt right, I've felt comfortable... but that current isn't there. There is no free flow of energy. It gets stopped up, on both ends, and sometimes wells up on both sides, but can't connect. Can't free-flow.
When will I wake up?
I will keep reading. This "what's the point" funk I've been in was shaken a bit, just by reading Campbell. I know it's not the be-all, but he is like a religion. He's the guru. He's the teacher. Or maybe he's the guy at the door to a guru. The guy that sits next to you, listens to the guru, and says "Huh. That's fascinating. Don't you think?"
I keep thinking about a road trip, in which I wander. A wander trip. I like that better. No responsibilities, no pressures, except to do what feels right, as a rule, at all times. To explore, to free-form, to CREATE! I am a creative person. I have a crazy imagination. It's been sleeping. I can do this wandering in New York City, but I feel pressured, for no good reason. I let other people's stresses and personalities affect me. I feel like I'm letting people down lately. Letting myself down too. Guilt and pressure are USELESS! And extinguished in the light of my bliss. If I am sticking close to my bliss, I will be forgiven by those who love me. End of story. It's infectious. But moping around is a deteriorating scourge.
Right now, I'm juicing my mind too much. I'm squeezing out thoughts, answers, musings. Useless. It would help me to meditate on what, in my life, has felt like bliss. And track it. Use a little logic, like a tool, to approximate somewhere or some direction. Head toward that, and let my heart take over. I'm an actor, blah blah blah, I'm disillusioned by that right now. The joy of it is wavering. I'm an artist before that. Absolutely. I like to create. I love to inspire, to have fun, to bring out a light in people and myself through some art. To appreciate any and all attempts at art, and expression of humanity.
"To try when your arms are too weary. To reach the unreachable star."
The first time I listened through the entire story/soundtrack of Man of La Mancha, I cried. I was driving on a long trip, and I cried tears of love, joy, sadness. The truth of that legend hit me. Don Quixote BELIEVES he is who he says he is. A noble knight in love with a chaste maiden. He sees the world for its beauty, despite its ugliness. And his whole life has been spent that way. In the end, he is dying, and relenting. He says, "No, I'm an old fool after all." But the people around him rally, and say NO! You are Don Quixote! Don't listen to them! And he's BACK! Booya! Back in the dream that is his beautiful reality. I love that. It's not delusion. It's magic.
I'm patiently awaiting my re-awakening. I shall be Don Quixote.
