This is a coffee-fueled post. That's a disclaimer to my future self. This current self has a sense of jittery clarity, and GOD have I wanted a sense of clarity for a long time.
I just feel like the life I've been living, my actions, are purposefully holding me back. Coffee is the perfect example. I reach for quick highs (coffee, sex, fried food, facebook, facebook, dates, youtube, flirting, Tinder, facebook, netflix, beer, booze) and do not allow myself to be bored or unstimulated. I wonder if that has made me less able to be stimulated by normal amazing life.
Traditional wisdom tells me that these are tactics to avoid facing reality. FACING REALITY seems harsh. What's there to face? What huge earth-shattering drama is there? NOTHING! My life is good. The stage is set for success. I've got talent, I've got humor, I've got friends, I've got love, I've got food. A high school Social Studies teacher once, when advising us it's stupid not to study for a test, said "See your foot? SHOOT IT!" What an image. Literally shooting your foot before taking a step.
Sex obsession is a real thing for me. A lot of the time it has echoes of a younger me, dreaming and fantasizing about having sex for the first time, of being with someone who wants me, loves me, craves me. Sexual energy is life force is CREATIVITIY! If I'm giving SO much energy to sex, it might be diminishing my creative juices!
It is SO clear with facebook and the internet in general that it's been designed to keep me distracted. The thing that gets my attention is the thing that makes money. A contented, entertained, person will not create. Not create a problem, not create a solution, not create a work of art. Perhaps not to its full potential anyway. YET pouring myself into creativity alone (i.e. big, huge projects I've tried to will into existence) leaves me burnt out. BUT I am not doing myself true favors by drinking, chasing sex, etc.
I flashed an image of myself going sober and celibate for a small period of time, seeing what happens. There's nothing to lose. It is self imposed, so it's different from societally imposed (i.e. Thou Shalt Not Have Sex). Perhaps I'd have a greater capacity to take life as it comes, not feel this ANXIOUS PRESSURE I've been feeling lately. I seek to relieve that pressure SOMETIMES with alcohol, coffee, etc. Or just generally AVOIDING myself. Will that anxiety lessen without minus substances and plus physical activity? Almost certainly.
I want to go into the summer with a clear mind and open heart. Much of my actions have maintained a stasis. Definitely swimming, but never fully diving. Not sure what that means. I want to LIKE myself more. I want to TRUST myself more. I want to "look myself in the eye in the mirror" and love myself more. I want to sleep sounder. I want to avoid less. And when I DO avoid, I want to notice and accept and NOT JUDGE IT.
That is, truly, the big big key. Judgement. I set goals (give up coffee, write more, don't waste time) when I notice I'm doing it, the FIRST instinct is to feel bad about myself. Then I want to avoid that feeling, so I quickly flip on the radio or go to a dating site, and soon I'm engrossed in something and not feeling bad about my self. What a cycle! I drive a lot these days ("Why are you driving so much, get a bike, take public transit, you told yourself you'd walk more even if you drove a lot, you're not doing it, plus your car is a mess, of course your car is a mess, you can't clean it, not to mention it's falling apart, but of course you won't fix it, even though it might break down, you should be doing all you possibly can to make sure your car is in good shape, then you could even sell it because you are broke, of course, because you don't handle your money, but why should you? money doesn't matter, and you've got enough to survive most of the time, and what does survival even mean, you're not on the street, even if you had zero dollars, you would have options, there are people without options, give them your stupid money, you don't need it, you have a car, give them rides, create a company that gives rides to people, what else are you doing with your time, you're supposed to be an artist and you are not truly making art, you are barely committed to "art," you have all the time in the world, but look at you, you are choosing to waste it...........").
It all comes. Some days it won't stop, but it doesn't feel crippling. It feels like background noise. At times, it does feel paralyzing. I freeze sometimes. I may be moving, may be acting like it's fine, but inside there is an anxious, jumpy, stuck feeling.
Who are you really?
Are you showing that to your friends?
Are you showing that to the world?
Are you showing that to yourself?
