Sadly beautiful and beautifully sad. That was the story I just read. A man chronicling the rise and fall, life and death, of a marriage. It hit me profoundly. I've been living a hollow life for a while here. Punctuated by bursts of light, rays of love. I think of past relationships. I refuse to believe that they were meant to end in sadness, and that that sadness drowns out the joy. Like a song I wrote:
"Cry your tears, go on and cry them.
Don't fight your fears, you can't deny them.
Yes there is pain, but you'll be smiling.
And the sun will shine again.
You can't have one without the other
Yes there is joy in sorrow, brother.
It only hurts because you loved her.
And that was something real"
GOD there's actual twinges of pain in my head and right ear. Ear infection? Fever? Annoying. The human body is a jerk. Sometimes. But is beautiful. Mine seeks to tell me truths, give me input. I don't always care for his advice. He freaks out when I'm about to audition or perform or do an open mic. I say, "you're fine. There are no bears. There are no predators." He freaks out when I consider loving someone who is not easy for me to love. "It's ok. There are no bears." I appreciate its input. There's wisdom there, sure. I note it and move on.
I've lost touch with my Actor-Self, but remain content in thinking that he's never far away, and is always taking it all in and learning. The Craft of acting needs some work in me, but I think I needed a little hard-earned life experience. That phase feels like it's drawing to a close though, as I crave performance more.
I just feel so struck by that man's writings. I feel a brotherhood with him. He's a parallel universe me. Why have I always felt so connected to the sorrow of love? I love those moments in musicals, the bittersweet, the happy-sad, but ultimately OK.
Today, I saw Finding Dory and cried. I'm not surprised. And, not for the first time, I thought, I want to be a part of that kind of storytelling, that kind of work, that kind of creation. I always think, "Man, they are operating on some OTHER level. Their insights into humanity." It's not the predictable, comfortable of a movie. It is SO well done. They just dig in deeper, and tell their story more efficiently.
My Love Story. My Life Story. It's happening. I think of the women I've loved, who have loved me, and it's not a Capital (capitol?) L LOVE that I experience. It need not be. Love is love is love is love is love. It's an unending current, not an "I FOUND IT!" event. It comes, it goes, it never dies. I wonder at my crossing-wires between Love and Lust. And that Love seems easier to feel in the throes of passion, much of the time. That's ok. I'm alive. Even if now at this moment I'm a little hazy.
Today I am grateful for:
- Pizza. Its existence brings me such incredible joy. I could live without it, but right now, I am so happy for it.
- Pixar and the ability to cry at missing my family.
- Self-awareness. Even when I'm not nailing it, it's always just a little there.
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